No
The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.
–Tony Blair
As a leader, I love this quote. I spend so much time struggling to make the correct decisions for my students. When I am embroiled in a difficult quandary, this quote reminds me that I am supposed to be embroiled in difficult quandaries if I want to be effective. The struggle is a marker that I’m doing something right because it is, as Blair says, very easy to say yes. If I find leadership to be easy, then that is a sure sign that I’m not really leading: I’m just standing in front of the class. At that point, the class is leading and I’m just a “yes-man” to their whims. It is easy to make people happy by giving them what they want, only putting on a show of “no” with no real teeth to it. That’s how martial arts has gotten to the sad state of the present day. Yes, yes, yes. Where is the collective martial arts spine? We study conflict, but we can’t bear to say “no” every now and then? Come on, my fellow instructors!
Honestly, when I’m in doubt I usually say no. When there is a nagging feeling in my gut saying something isn’t quite right with a request or situation, I say no. My gut is usually right. Not always, but usually.
I say “no” because the system I teach is more important than whether or not you like me. My duty to my instructors is more important than your “self-esteem.” Their legacy they created in me requires the same standards of the legacy that I create in you. And they said “no” to me a lot. Their “no”s taught me much more than their “yes”es.
My instructors were not always right when they said no, and I won’t be either. However, the instructors who are busy saying “yes” all of the time are wrong far more often than I am in their overindulgent permissiveness. No one seems to mind, though, when a leader is wrong about a “yes.” Until the student is attacked and has no idea what he is doing. Until the student gets hit for real for the first time on the street and is not prepared for it. Until the rubber meets the road. Then the student feels betrayed, and he is right to feel that way. But most are lucky enough to never have to realize, in real combat, that their rank is a lie. So they skip blissfully through their training, unaware of the mockery that they are.
When I find an instructor who says “no,” I cling to him for dear life. That is a teacher who cares so much about me that he is willing to risk losing my affection to do right by me. That is truly selfless behavior, and hard to find. “Not good enough. Not yet. Not ready. Not precise enough. Not energetic enough. NO NO NO!” That is the mantra of a teacher who loves his art and his students. My challenge is that no one is there to say “No” to me anymore in Tae Kwon Do. Not really. I am alone here in Arizona to do as I please. But my teachers showed me how to say “no” to myself. If you want to feel good about yourself, to be a leader unto yourself, then internalize my “no” and make it your mantra. Not good enough, not yet. You will be surprised how far a good “no” will take you.
And when I say no to you, remember this little essay you’re reading right now. Through the frustration and hurt feelings — I know, I have been there — listen to what I’m really saying: “I care about the system, and about you, too much to let you get away with the easy way out. You can do better.” I say no to you because I believe in your ability to grow and excel. I say no because I believe you can be a black belt someday. And on the day you finally get that “yes” from me and put that black belt around your waist for the first time, you won’t believe how grateful you will be for all the “no”s that got you there.
